June 13 The Lusty Lady

June 13, 1999

This probably should have been my introductory column, but I wanted to be timely to celebrate National Masturbation Month. But writing a column such as this begs the question - why write about sex? Why bother discussing it at all? My friend Ian contends that such self-analysis will lead us to view sex as purely a biological function. I disagree.

I've heard that idea again and again - that public discussion about sex will take away the mystique, will take away all that we like and cherish about sex. The National Review ran a cover story a few months back asking "Is Sex Still Sexy?" and Maureen Dowd soon followed that up, claiming our culture is "choking on lust." Maybe we are, but I say; bring it on! How great could sex be if merely discussing it and writing about it could detract from its pleasures? We like to think that sex and sexual issues begin and end in the bedroom, but that leaves a lot of people unsatisfied. Then, all of our knowledge about sex comes from a few sources: parents, school, friends, media and our own sexual lives. Each of these has the potential to be an excellent source of information to quell our inevitable fears about sex and answer all those burning questions. But relying solely on one or even a combination of these sources may not give us all the information we want and need.

Suppose say, you're gay and grew up in a small, conservative town; where else are you going to receive the message that you are normal and welcome to be who you are? What if the common cultural currency about sex is not enough for you, what if you want to know the deep down nitty gritty details about certain sexual acts before you try them, and nobody you know personally can give you those answers? Of course, certain forms of sexuality get over represented in popular culture and in what most children are taught about sexuality, and for this reason autobiographical writings about non-mainstream sex have flourished. People rely on those who write about sex to tell them what they already know and believe in their hearts, but about which they receive very little affirmation. These are the exact same issues and secrets that are discussed in bathrooms, cubicles, and in hushed tones every single day, so to act like those who write about them are the first people to ever discuss them is just ridiculous.

In my own life, the writings of a certain group of writers (Susie Bright, Sallie Tisdale, Lisa Palac, Carol Queen et. al.) has taught me infinite amounts, not just about specific physical acts but about being proud of our desires and welcoming rather than rejecting them. Because these women bared their bodies and souls to me via their writings, I was affirmed, so completely that I could never say that this type of writing is unimportant. Dorothy Allison recently wrote in Salon (http://www.salon.com) about how when she grew up, every book became a lesbian book for her; she HAD to read between the lines because there was not explicit information available to her then. I think we are better off now, because we can see accurate representations of gay, lesbian and bisexual people. There are now books we can read about lots of different kinds of sex and sexual identities, and these books are especially useful because it's often just not that easy to turn to your mom or dad or your best friend, even, about these issues. And the truth is, we do get plenty of messages about sex from the culture, but they are often given in such a way that brooks no further discussion. This is how sex is, and that's all there is to it.

For those whose interests lie outside those commonly drawn lines, we need these people who tell their true stories, to reassure us that others are going through the same things we are. This is true of any type of memoir or autobiography, but is especially crucial when speaking about sex because we are told all too often that sex should be "hush hush." Or if you start talking about sex to someone, it's assumed that you want to sleep with them. Sometimes that's true, but I think we need to foster more friendly, casual, non-flirty sex talk amongst friends and acquaintances so that sex itself is less awkward. Because as it stands, we find many couples happily shagging away but unable to discuss their most basic sexual needs and desires with each other, and I think this is sad. Our lovers should ideally be people we can share both our bodies and our minds with, especially our thoughts about sex.

This is especially true in heterosexual relationships, where both people are often mystified by the other's motives and behaviors. Dan Savage opines that gay people have this trouble less often because they "have" to discuss their preferences in the normal course of sexual interaction since there is no "normal" course of behavior when it comes to sexual activity. But often in straight relationships much of the sexual mechanics of the relationship go unsaid because it's easier to fall into familiar roles and behaviors than those that someone may be curious about but too shy or nervous to mention. I think that if we all felt more comfortable talking about sex with our friends, family and acquaintances, that would spill over into our comfort level with our lovers.

THIS is why talking and writing about sex are good things. They will only make sex less "sexy" if we let them, and I for one have no intention of letting them. By stating that our sexual mores are fraught with societal implications, I do not mean that in your moment of passion you should be thinking about the societal implications of your every move. That's why it's called the heat of the moment. Most of us have no time to think, we can only feel; we are immersed in our bodies and go by instinct. That's fine. But when we are not actually engaged in sexual activity, we can step back and reflect on our feelings about our own sexual histories, and here is where the sharing comes in. I may live my life totally differently than yours, but we can still gain insight into each other's lives by sharing our own stories.

Basically, I don't want to only talk about sex in whispered giggles with my best friends, although I'd never give that up. I want to expand the circles of who is talking about sex with each other, because I see an opportunity to learn and grow. Not simply to learn new techniques, but to hear about how other people feel about sex/porn/relationships/toys/etc. That doesn't mean that you should listen to others so that you can know what is the "correct" view, because there is no one correct path or view to take when it comes to sex. But listening and sharing with other lets us know that we are not alone, and just the simple act of sharing such intimate information makes it a little less scary, a little easier to deal with. It does not make it less "sexy" unless you think that ignorance is sexy. For me, even if I'm not doing a certain act myself, I get a voyeuristic thrill from hearing about others' activities. Also, seeing the wide spectrum of sexual possibilities can help us figure out what we might want for ourselves and what we know we don't want. Silencing our sexual thoughts, ideas and fantasies does not make them go away, it just leaves us feeling alone and confused.

In the short time since I started writing this column, I've found that when I tell people I write a sex column, they often come forth with their own sexual tales, be it a problem, a story, a fantasy, or whatever. I've bonded with friends over common sexual interests that I probably never would have known about had they not felt comfortable enough with me to share their feelings. Though there are people who my column may embarrass, or who I may not totally feel comfortable sharing it with, I have a deep desire to explore my sexual interests not just with any partners I may have, but with other people. This is what interests me, what fascinates me, I love hearing people's stories about what turns them on or what toys they use or what new position they tried. Or about how their lover of 12 years still turns them completely on. I wish I could spend all day corresponding with people about sex, because to me it's not dirty, it's human. It's about feelings and passions and orgasms, and all the other things that sex encompasses.

Everything is not always perfect, and my goal in writing this column is not to convey that I have a perfect sexual and emotional life and am always completely satisfied. Rather, I'd like to look at how people relate to sex and how they feel that sex affects them. I want to talk about sexual and relationship issues and explore areas that aren't always talked about. I welcome comments and questions because they make me think. For instance, I plan to write a future column about bisexuality, because I am bisexual but I have a lot of issues with that word. Anyway, someone recently asked me whether I thought more women than men are bi. I don't have a quick answer; it's taken me 3 weeks to sort out my views on that one question, and I will deal with bisexuality in my next column. It's thought-provoking questions that I want to encourage, and that make me feel good about sharing details of my own life.

This is not meant to just be a one-way street, with me going on and on about my sexual interests and not caring about anyone else's. That is what I relish, the intricacies of sex, the way it can make us feel alive and make us learn about ourselves, the lovely feelings it gives us. I enjoy sex, and I don't think that I should have to hide my sexuality to be taken seriously in the world. I'm proud of my sexuality, my lust, my inquisitiveness, my desires, and I hope that other people are proud of theirs too. I can't make anyone think differently, but I hope that by writing this column I can encourage people to think about things from new angles and, most importantly, welcome sex into their lives as something that is GOOD and pleasurable. Of course, that seems like a given, and I don't know many people who'd be quick to argue with that sentiment. Despite that, however, we go about our lives pretending that sex is its own compartmentalized set of activities, when really it can be, and is for many of us, much bigger than that. That is what I want to ultimately explore: why sex holds us in its thrall and why we car about sex so much. And I firmly believe that's a valid, worthwhile, interesting, and, yes, "sexy" topic.

Recommended reading:

Talk Dirty to Me by Sallie Tisdale
Exhibitionism for the Shy by Carol Queen
Savage Love: Straight Answers From America's Most Popular Sex Columnist by Dan Savage
Introduction to The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women by Tristan Taormino (on how cultural mores about anal sex can affect individuals)
The Sexual State of the Union by Susie Bright

Rachel Kramer Bussel

Copyright 1999 Rachel Kramer Bussel