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May 16, 1999
I'm very pleased to be writing my first sex column for Check This Out!, and my first sex column ever, for that matter. I decided to call the column The Lusty Lady after the famed sex emporium in San Francisco, as well as because I am indeed a lusty lady. I have SO many things I'll be talking about in upcoming columns, but for this one I'll try to stay on one topic: masturbation, seeing as May is National Masturbation Month and all.
This is actually a very good topic because anyone can participate or relate if they want to - male, female, gay, straight, bi, virgin, etc. This is actually one thing that I think can bring people of diverse sexual experiences and practices together. It's also something that can be utterly amazing, rejuvenating and enlightening.
This is not a scientific fact, just an observation: it seems like masturbation is treated as more normal in men than in women, at least growing up. Most guys masturbate at early ages, while for women we have to actively seek it out - it's not joked about and discussed in the teen years nearly as much as it is for guys. Perhaps that's because our orgasms aren't as easy to come by, so to speak. Some women find it impossible to bring themselves to orgasms just using their own hands, and give up the attempt, frustrated. But that's why someone invented vibrators. Aaahhhhvibrators. I don't have enough good things to say about this wonderful invention. I will say that since I've been using a vibrator, everything in my life seems a whole lot better.
Masturbation also gives you a sense of who your sexual self is, and has everything to do with YOU. When you masturbate you don't have to worry about what your partner or your parent or your deity or your teacher/boss/friend whoever will think, you don't even have to think yourself, you can just feel. While for some people masturbation is something they feel they have to "resort" to because they haven't found a sex partner, for a lot of people masturbation is a complement to an otherwise grand sex life. We do not have to choose, and should not have to put our self-pleasuring or our fantasies in the closet just because we are also having great sex with another person (or persons!). And that isn't to say that people who have partners are necessarily better off than those who don't - to each their own enjoyment.
I also think masturbation can be a great boost to our self-esteem - we get to star in our own fantasies, to write, direct, produce them, and we even get to cum to them! We don't have to rely on someone else to touch us in just the right way, and we have complete control.. I know that there are definitely lots of times when I look at my body and find all sorts of things wrong with it - my breasts are uneven, I'm too fat, I don't like this or that body part, etc. But when I'm masturbating all of that goes out the window because I just feel so good. I feel warm and soft and sexy and sensual, and I know that nobody can stop me from being who I want to be, in bed or out. And if that sounds like hokey new-agey mumbo-jumbo, maybe it is, but it's also the truth.
Masturbation lets us know that we are in control of our bodies, and I have a hunch that masturbation can help us say "no" when we really do mean it. That may seem like an easy task, but often it isn't - it's easier to agree to have sex with someone for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is because you're horny, than to politely say "no thank you" and wait for someone you would much rather have sex with.
That said, I must reemphasize that masturbation is not only something for single people to do - it's for everyone. I think there's a cultural assumption that people who masturbate often and heartily enjoy it are lacking somehow, otherwise they'd be having "real" sex, or that people who masturbate even though they are partnered are somehow dissatisfied with their partner. There does not have to be this kind of binary opposition - masturbation and partner sex can go hand in hand, so to speak.
Masturbation can further partner sex by allowing us to tap into our fantasies and explore them in a totally safe, solo environment. Having fantasies does not necessarily mean that we are going to act on them, or that we'd even want to act on them in real life. But if they are lurking around inside your mind, I say, enjoy them. Perhaps you may want to share them with your partner, or keep them as your own juicy secrets - either way is fine. Masturbation can also be shared by such acts as mutual masturbation, phone sex, cyber sex, or watching your lover masturbate - personally, I find that incredibly hot, and it's a great learning tool, because you can see how your lover gets him or herself off.
I would think that masturbation would be highly encouraged as a way to relieve stress, explore one's sexuality without risk of disease, and not least of all, as a whole lot of fun! And plenty of people do advocate and proclaim themselves enjoyers of masturbation - in fact, Good Vibrations (http://www.goodvibes.com) has a Masturbation Hall of Fame honoring people like Madonna, Joani Blank, Jerry Seinfeld, Claire Danes, and even the character Ally McBeal for their public support for masturbation. After all, if most (all?) of us do it, what do we have to be ashamed about? Nothing. I'll leave you with the words of our former Surgeon General Dr. Joycelyn Elders, who lost her job because she advocated masturbation: "Masturbation, practiced consciously or unconsciously, cultivates in us a humble elegance - an awareness that we are part of a larger natural system. . . Far from evil, masturbation just may render heavenly contentment in those who dare."
Recommended reading on this topic includes: Betty Dodson, "Sex for One" http://www.goodvibes.com http://www.nerve.com/Elders/mword/mword.html
So, that's my first column. Future topics include everything from polyamory to bisexuality to being sex-positive to. . . who knows? If you have any questions, comments or suggestions, please write to me at rkb200@is5.nyu.edu
Rachel Kramer Bussel
Copyright 1999 Rachel Kramer Bussel
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Copyright 1999 Check This Out!
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