 |
July 4, 1999
|The Lusty Lady #1 |The Lusty Lady #2 |
BISEXUALITY??
Bisexuality. . . hmmm by now I hardly know what to say about this topic. I have both too much and too little to say about it. About two years ago in my zine I wrote an article called "Beyond Beyond Bi" in which I attacked the label of "bisexual." I still have qualms about it, but I've come a little closer to embracing it, and there are issues about bisexuality that I want to discuss, so it makes a nice shorthand.
But first, my qualms: "bi" means two, so to me the word bisexuality means dual sexuality - sex with men and sex with women. But as so many have pointed out, the gender of the person we have sex with, while it may be of some, or even a lot, importance to each of us, does not really tell us anything about our sexual personalities. It doesn't tell us about the sex itself, it doesn't tell us who's a top or bottom, about what kind of person we are, or anything about the dynamics of the relationship. However, in our culture, if we say that we are heterosexual, while that too does not tell us about the dynamics of the relationship, it is assumed that the relationship goes a certain way, that each person conforms, pretty much, to their gender roles. So, both homosexuality and bisexuality throw a bit of confusion into the mix. I think that's a good thing, because I don't think our sexuality is something to be complacent about. But there are more reasons why the term bisexuality doesn't sit too well with me.
The very act of labeling draws a box around the labeled that sets them apart from the non labeled, and I see this as terribly damaging. Over and over and over again, in email discussions and casual conversions, I see questions like "well, I'm straight, but I kissed another boy what does that make me?" or "I feel badly because I only want to have sex with girls but I want to have boys as boyfriends." Akin to this confusion are assertions that certain types of sex make people gay or bi. Nothing MEANS that you are bi, or gay, or straight, other than what you decide, because if these labels exist to help us better understand ourselves and those around us, they can only work if they are self-applied. That is my motto. The labels are inconsequential in and of themselves; you are free to identify however you want AND have whatever kind of sex you want with whatever kind of person you want.
Most of my dislike for the bisexual label is that it doesn't really say much of anything - as soon as you tell someone you're bi, you get barraged with all sorts of further questions (such as: are you attracted to men and women equally? Are you into threesomes with men and women? Since you're bi, you must find so-and-so attractive) Well, if all these questions need to be asked, it's clear that stating that one is bi does not really say all that much. I'm on a discussion list for bisexual women, and we are such a varied lot that to even try to find the commonality amongst us is hard - some are married, some are in long term relationships with women, some are single, some are in triads, some are monogamous, some are polyamorous, some are parents, some are virgins, etc. The point is, I find it a bit too self-indulgent to place your entire life's importance on the gender of your partner, or preferred partners. Why? Because we don't seek out that special someone merely because they are a man or a woman, we seek them out for some special thing about them - we are attracted to them as a person because of their own unique qualities. I would hate for someone to not pursue an attraction of theirs because they felt that they didn't fit into some preconceived notion of what it means to be "bisexual" (or "heterosexual" or "homosexual"). None of these words have strict meanings, so the way I express my bisexuality may be totally different than the way you express yours, but we can both be bisexual. That is ultimately my point - there are no rules or formulas or numbers; how could we begin to quantify our attractions?
OK, sorry if I sounded rather defensive about this topic, it's hard to discuss without having to go in circles trying to explain myself. It's also difficult because in a lot of ways I fit into some of the stereotypes about bi women: I'm femme, I've mainly had relationships and sexual experiences with men, I probably look "straight," whatever that is, etc. I get asked a lot of questions about being bi and I welcome them, but I don't always have answers. I don't think there necessarily *are* answers, like whether women are more inclined to be bi or whether bisexuals are kinkier than non-bisexuals (a question dealt with aptly by Carol Queen in the latest issue of Anything That Moves). I don't want to imply that bisexuality is unimportant, because as a concept (that concept being that one person can be attracted to both men and women, something that even sex columnists like Jamie Bufalino in Time Out NY, still don't seem to quite comprehend) it is still important, and I am proud to be someone who "likes girls and boys," which is my favorite way of putting it. To me, that is the truth, and it doesn't exclude any other things that I happen to like. A friend of mine told me once that we each have our own sexuality, so that I am Rachel-sexual, and you may be Jason-sexual, or Sam-sexual, or Amanda-sexual, or whatever. I think this is true, and lest you think that means that I deny the importance of a sense of community, I want to emphasize that I want to EXPAND our notions of community, as well as our notion of who our allies are. I don't think that because one doesn't identify as "bi" doesn't mean that others won't perceive you as bi. But no matter what others perceive you as or what labels they want to pin on you, your reality is still your reality, not theirs.
My point is that everyone has the right to name their own experience, so I may "like girls and boys" and you may be bi and so-and-so over there may only sleep with girls but flirt with guys we all belong on the spectrum of not just bisexuality, but Sexuality. I am more interested in SEX and BI-ness, because SEX holds an infinite number of possibilities for me, and BI only holds two. I am much more fascinated by the permutations of desire than the rigidity of classification. For some, calling themselves bi may lead them to greater freedom for experimentation, and I think that's great, but I think that we all already have the freedom to do whatever it is our hearts and minds desire, labels be damned. And I think sex and our own appreciation of our bodies and their potential can be more satisfying when we focus on fun and pleasure rather than eroticizing gender per se.
I do want to say that one thing that gets thrown around a lot is straight guys' appreciation for bi girls. Well, that's fine with me, as long as these same guys recognize that not every girl, or every bi girl, is going to show that same interest back at them. All too often public discussions of bisexuality end there, as if that scene in Wild Things is the sum of our knowledge about bisexuality. That scene may be a part of what some people identify with, but for most people who are attracted to both genders, that attraction and potential for attraction go much deeper than just cheap thrills. I want us to honor bisexuality by dismantling it, dismantling it because I don't think it, or any label, can fully express the sum of any one person's sexuality. Ultimately, I'd rather us each revel in the amount of words it takes to describe our sexual selves, to delight in the many ways we are aroused. I'd rather us find alternate ways to describe ourselves that FIT us, rather than us try to fit into some word that others have already defined for us. On that note, I'll end by quoting the witty and adorable comic Margaret Cho: "I've slept with women but I don't think I'm gay or straight. I think I'm just slutty."
Recommended reading:
Gender Outlaw: Men, Women and the Rest of Us by Kate Bornstein
Pomosexuals : Challenging Assumptions About Gender and Sexuality edited by Carol Queen and Lawrence Schimel
Real Live Nude Girl by Carol Queen
Bi Any Other Name : Bisexual People Speak Out edited by Loraine Hutchins and Lani Kaahumanu
"Blindsexual" by Susie Bright, in one of her books (sorry, I forget which one)
Anything That Moves (http://www.anythingthatmoves.com)Rachel Kramer Bussel
Copyright 1999 Rachel Kramer Bussel
|
Copyright 1999 Check This Out!
|