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September 20, 1999
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Sexual Fantasies
Next to masturbation, I think fantasies are one of the most important aspects of our sex life. They are vital to keeping us alive and alert and especially, to giving us a sense of our own sexual selves apart from anyone else, because no matter how well we get to know someone, they will only be able to see into our mind as far as we will let them. I think fantasies are so arousing precisely because you can control them in your own mind, and then when you choose to share them with someone, you can connect on such a deep, intense level, it can be utterly thrilling. I am not saying that the best sex is only about you, but that giving yourself the freedom to fantasize can enhance your life in many ways.
In the past few years, since I've started to explore sex toys and masturbation, I've started fantasizing a lot more too. I used to always start out with an object of fascination, someone I had a crush on or some hot girl or guy I'd seen walking down the street, and I'd build my fantasy around them. But more and more lately I don't have to pre-plan my fantasies; they just appear out of nowhere and sometimes throw me for a loop because I haven't had any conscious thoughts about what I'm fantasizing about. To me, that is so beautiful and priceless, because it really frees us to just let our minds and bodies go and relax into our thoughts. Having a fantasy is not the same thing as acting out that fantasy, and we need to be aware that thoughts never hurt anyone. I'm not saying that everyone should or will have rough or violent fantasies, but if you do, that's okay. I often have very intense, vivid, violent fantasies, and the truth is, I don't know how far I would take some of my fantasies in real life, but the best part is that I don't have to know. If someday a fantasy of mine comes true, that is something to deal with then. In our fantasies we can throw caution to the wind and not have to worry about some of the things that can make real-life sex sticky and uncomfortable. Fantasizing makes me feel powerful because I get to make up scenarios all by myself, without relying on anyone else for cues as to how to act or behave. That's not to say when I'm with a partner that I'm always doing their bidding, but I am not as free to just do anything I want to because if I'm going to have sex with someone, I want them to enjoy it as well, so if they're not into my fantasy, that's fine, because I can ponder it when I'm alone.
I also think that fantasizing can help illuminate for us what some of our hidden desires are. We may have a lust for a certain sexual act, a certain person, a fetish or way of dressing, that we do not acknowledge, even to ourselves, for to do so would be risky in some way. To me, that is sad, because if you cannot be honest with yourself, who can you be honest with? Fantasizing is so powerful because ANYTHING can happen, and you can make your fantasy the best sexual experience of your life because you are running the show! Even if you are not in your own fantasy, you are still the writer, producer and director of it!
Also, lest we forget, hearing others tell us about their fantasies can be extremely arousing! Often, hearing sexual words and thoughts spoken aloud gets me immediately excited. I don't know precisely why that's so, but I'm not going to question it. I really enjoy having my lover tell me about their secret desires, or what they think about when they are masturbating, because, if they are being honest, that is a special glimpse into their mind, their thought process, that I ordinarily wouldn't be privy to. I get off on imagining my partner living out their fantasy - it's like peeking into a door that looks in on another door, and for someone to share those inner desires makes me feel very special. That is why I feel that having sex with someone is not the only way to be sexually close to them. I've had sex with people where I couldn't have felt more distant and alone, because though our bodies were touching, WE, meaning our minds, were not really having a connection, and I wasn't taking much pleasure from the sexual act. I don't think that we always have to verbalize our fantasies to make them known, but it's these inner desires that are the keys to our sexual souls, if you will. I once had some phone sex where during the course of the conversation, I found myself blurting out some really hot fantasies that I truly didn't even know were lurking in my mind, but all of a sudden, there they were and they got me incredibly wet and aroused. Fantasies can also come into play during when you're physically intimate with another person - sometimes during sex I like my partner to tell me what turns them on, because even if it's something that has nothing to do with me, picturing them acting out that fantasies delights me.
I always see women's magazines (like Cosmo, Glamour, etc.) and men's magazines (like Maxim, Details, etc.) with blaring headlines about how you can know what men and women, respectively, "really want." [Please note, I'm not knocking these mags, cause I love 'em, just quibbling with their take on this issue.] But although they can possibly offer tips from real people or from so-called experts, if you truly want to please your partner, you have to know what they want, not just what "men" or "women" want. We're each different, and we each have our own desires that may be totally different from you'd expect from us or what we usually show to the world. Some people may like to keep their fantasies all to themselves, fearing that discussing them would ruin their magical quality. That is totally fine, and, I think, healthy, because that gives us a little place to store away those images and sexual possibilities that totally tantalize us, but we shouldn't be afraid to share our fantasies with our partner if we want to - if they are unresponsive, you don't have to continue, but they may be extremely responsive and turned on by your openness.
And just in case this wasn't totally clear, a fantasy is anything you want it to be. Fantasies DON'T have to be of the most extreme, perverted things you can think of - they can just as easily be about sensual, slow love-making by a fire as whips and chains in a dungeon. We can fantasize about things we've done, things we want to do, things we want others to do, and even, yes, things we don't want to do. Women can fantasize about being raped because that does not mean that they would want to be raped in real life, it means that thinking about being raped in a specific situation and context gets them aroused at that moment. Fantasies give us a permanent safeword; they are the "safest" sex around, and I mean that as much emotionally as physically. A fantasy can never hurt you, can never not do what you say, and will never pressure you into doing something you don't want to do. A fantasy can be your friend, lover or enemy - it's all up to you.
I'm usually very careful about not trying to push the things that I'm into onto other people, but on this I think that everyone can benefit from exploring their fantasy life. No matter what situation you are in, single, partnered, happy, unhappy, etc., I'd be willing to bet that there is something out there that turns you on and that you'd enjoy taking a few moments to indulge in and mentally explore. It may not hit you until you're walking through a store and see a certain object, or see an image in a film, or a certain person, and become utterly aroused, or at least intrigued. I urge you to follow that instinct, because it can lead to extreme pleasure, and you can take it with you anywhere you go.
Rachel Kramer Bussel
Copyright 1999 Rachel Kramer Bussel
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Copyright 1999 Check This Out!
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