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November 18, 1999
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Memories
I've been thinking a lot about the various sexual partners I've had over the years and about sexual memories/experiences and how they impact us. There are certain moments from my sexual past that just stay with me and pop into my mind at various random moments. These are not necessarily the most erotic moments (though some definitely were for me), if there even were some kind of measuring stick of eroticism, but the ones that have made the most powerful impact on me, and I wanted to share them.
The first one is with one of the very first people I was sexual with - my prom date, an older man who taught me a lot about sexuality at a time when I was desperately curious (well, I'm still desperately curious, but back then I was even more so because sex was all about my imagination without the complementary hands on experience to go with it). The time I'm thinking of was at his apartment, where we took our sexual forays farther than we had before when he performed oral sex on me for the first time. I knew that I wanted it to happen, very badly, and I was literally quivering with desire. When he did start stroking me with his tongue, the sensation was so incredible I thought I would just melt. To this day, I don't know exactly what it was he did, but I know it's the best cunnilingus I've ever received. Later, he asked me if I'd come, and my honest response was "I don't know." I still don't know, but it really doesn't matter because that was one of the most exquisite, sensuous, delightful sexual experiences I've ever had.
I also remember a time with my ex-boyfriend when I was very sad - I had just heard some bad news about my family and was just bereft, sad and crying and not knowing what to do with all that sadness. I called my boyfriend and went over to his house and we made love in a very tender way. For me, that was one of the first times where sex was about something other than sex - it was about soothing some emotional pain, about a sortof primitive survival mechanism of needing to touch and reach out to someone else. It meant the world to me to have some small comfort at a very lonely time and showed me that sex can be both physically satisfying and mentally calming and replenishing.
Another one from a bit more recent times also stands out for several reasons. I met a guy from a mutual email mailing list and went on a date with him. He had previously told me of his antipathy towards one night stands so I wasn't expecting to get any action. He was nice but I wasn't exactly panting with lust. I did, however, go to bed with him and got treated to some very fine spanking (and a delightful fuck). The spanking was nice and firm and he followed my instructions as to how I liked it. The next morning as I left his place, I felt very good about myself. I wrote him a letter professing my joy, but alas, things ended badly. Despite that, I still savor the way he made me feel in those special moments.
Luckily, I'm friendly with many of my previous (and future?) sexual partners. One of my favorite memories is of a girl named Courtney - she's so adorable I'm gonna go ahead and use her real name. Anyway, we bonded over email when she responded favorably to my rambling about the band Belle and Sebastian and how I thought Cadbury Creme Eggs had a real sensuality to them (it was Easter time). When I first heard her giggle on the phone, I knew we'd be fast friends, in that way that girls have of instantly bonding. When she first walked into my room, I just wanted to engulf her in a big hug. We spent the day looking at books, having dinner with friends, holding hands while we listened to Lisa Palac and Karen Finley speak, and then poring over smutty magazines (including the lovely Nugget). Then when we were finally alone I didn't know what she would want to do. We ended up kissing in the dark in our filmy lingerie and when she said my name in her breathy, sweet voice, I felt so happy and complete. Just lying there with her and holding her was so special because even though I daresay we are both rather smutty and slutty girls, the time just wasn't right at that moment for us to get down and dirty, and maybe in some ways that was better. Courtney is totally hot without anyone having to touch her. The next morning we made out and were joined by my sortof then boyfriend as we made out. Her hands were so small and gentle and she was (and is) incredibly sexy. When her parents came by to pick her up, I was sure I was blushing. I linger on Courtney not because we had wild, hot, crazy sex but because we didn't and I'm still captivated by her.
For a lot of us, I think it's our tendency to only focus on our current partner and to let our past sexual experiences fade in our minds. I'm not suggesting that we spend time each day conjuring up past lovers, but I think it's important to remember how they made us feel - the good, the bad, and the unexpected. They are part of our sexual history and what has shaped us into who we are today, by teaching us what we like, don't like, want and need.
There have been lots of other lovers for me, some who stand out and some who have faded to the far reaches of my mind, for whatever reason. I don't ponder as much old relationships as old on/off lovers because to revisit something emotional that was shared so intensely can be a bit much for me. And right now I'm involved with two very lovely people who I enjoy sex with very much, but I still hold onto these memories because they really are what has formed me. It's not that every time I'm with someone new I'm mentally comparing them to other people; for me, it's more of a mental collage, where all of these experiences spin around and collide together to form who *I* am, and what turns me on. Sometimes, all it takes is a memory.
Rachel Kramer Bussel
Copyright 1999 Rachel Kramer Bussel
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Copyright 1999 Check This Out!
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