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January 22, 2000
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Breaking up is ______ to do
"the proof is in the fire
you touch before you move away
must always know how long to stay
and when to go" -- Patty Griffin "Let Him Fly""The hardest part is things already said
getting better, worse, I cannot tell
why do good things never wanna stay"
-- Sleater-Kinney "Good Things"Recently, I broke up with my boyfriend of nine months. It was a difficult and painful decision, but ultimately the right one for me, even though it makes me sad. I was with him since March, and it was my first relationship, never mind serious relationship, in the past three years, and one that I sort of stumbled into, rather than sought out and planned. Trying to figure out how it started from one thing and became another has been very hard, and what finally made me decide to move on is the knowledge that I'd been playing out the same troubling conversations with myself about the relationship over and over for many months, trying to figure out how I should handle certain things or what to do about certain emotions. I finally decided that if we were meant to be together I would not have so much stress over how to approach him and how to bring up certain things that were bothering me. And yet, while that may seem obvious, this has been anything but easy because there are many things I do miss about our relationship. The problem is that I was missing those even when we were officially together because it became all too rare that those joyful moments of true closeness actually occurred.
When I wrote in the title that "breaking up is ___ to do," I meant to convey that even though I am the one who did the breaking up, and for the most part view it as a good decision, that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. We started going on in March, which seems like eons, rather than mere months, ago. I have very mixed feelings, because there is a big part of me that still loves him and that would like to hold onto what we had, but the operative word there is had - things are not the way they used to be, and I haven't really be happy or truly myself in the relationship (and out of it) for a long time. Anyway, we'd known each other for about two years before we started going out, and things got kind of serious right from the beginning, which surprised me because I definitely wasn't looking for a relationship at that time, and yet it felt right for some reason. I was busy enjoying myself and dating lots of people and going out, but somehow when I started to spend more time with this man, something special happened. I felt really close to him and that I wanted to be closer, not have it be something really casual. This was as much of a shock to me as to anyone, because I hadn't had a real relationship for three years, by my own choice, preferring to be single and unattached.
So we started spending more time together, and I even wanted him to meet my family, when usually my family are the last people I care to discuss who I'm dating with. At the same time though, other people also beckoned to me, and I didn't really know how to discuss my desire to see other people with A. And I know he knows that I like girls, but we never really discussed the exclusivity or lack of it in our relationship, and I started to feel constricted because a lot of the things I wanted sexually from other people were things that I wasn't getting in my relationship.
I also felt like in some way being with a man in a formal relationship wasn't being true to the many attractions I have towards women, like even if I were to date or sleep with other girls, that would not be "real" because I had a boyfriend, and I would be just yet another cliché of bisexuality. But really, that attitude is flawed and is what stops many people from experimenting with their desires - they're afraid of being labeled, laughed at, judged. Now I want to pursue whatever it is that makes me happy, and if someone has a problem with it, I don't need to take it to heart. I think that one thing I definitely want to do is explore more close friendships and sexual relationships with women because I find that I can relate to women, especially bi women, a lot more easily than I can to most men. It took me a while to feel like that was an ok attitude, that it wasn't sexist or prejudiced, just how I feel in my gut.
Additionally, I felt like there were some things that I wanted to experience on my own, apart from him, either because I didn't think he'd be interested in them, or out of a desire to assert my independence. All of this built upon itself to the point where I felt like I couldn't really be myself around him. And yet it wasn't all miserable, there were lots of really wonderful times when I felt like he did get me and that I also got him.
I can recall some really wonderful times we spent together, such as a summer weekend trip to LA, which was really wonderful because I got to spend three whole days with him, uninterrupted. Most of the time, he is very busy with work, and traveling for work, and I think that put a lot of strain on the relationship because it's hard to stay in touch with someone when you only see them once or twice a month. There were times when we saw each other more frequently, but over time I started to feel like I was changing my schedule around to fit his too often, rather than vice versa.
And I started to see how other people do things in their relationships, and see what was missing in mine. As much as I value sexual exploration and pursuing one's own sexual interests, I wasn't doing that with my boyfriend, because I didn't really know how to ask for the things I wanted and he didn't seem receptive to indulging my sexual needs. I don't really know, because we never had a real conversation about it, but I'm not the kind of person who wants to sit down and enumerate exactly what I like to do in bed, because that takes some of the fun out of it for me. Yes, discussion is great, but it's usually pretty clear whether someone is attuned to what you are trying to say or not.
For the last few months, I just felt like I wasn't really important to him, and despite his occasional words, his actions showed that he wasn't really bothered by not spending that much time with me. Coupled with the fact that the last time I saw him I was ravingly drunk and horribly sick, I felt like it would be best just to end things rather than prolong them indefinitely. At the same time, it's sad because I do run into him and do not want to just sever all ties to him forever, but balancing in that space between being friends and dating can be very trying.
Lately I've found myself doing things that I rarely, if ever, do anymore - feeling really lonely, feeling like there's nobody I can talk to, perusing extremely vapid personal ads. It's a strange contradiction because at the same time as all that, I also feel very free and powerful, like I can do whatever I want to do (even figure out what it is I want to do) and now have the chance to explore those things. Obviously, there are tradeoffs and benefits to both being coupled and being single, and I am trying to bridge the gap between those so that I have people who I can go on dates with and not be permanently tied to them. I'm also trying to not color my view of relationships in general with my view of this one in particular - it would be all too easy to say "relationships suck and I should just stay single forever," rather than try to come to a more reasonable conclusion.
The hardest part is having to make my own decision and stick with it. I tend to waver, especially when it comes to my feelings for people, because if I care about someone at one point, I don't stop caring even when I am angry or upset. But even if I do end up spending time with A., I know that it's best for me not to try to have a real relationship with him, or really with anyone else, at the moment, because I enjoy being on my own and being able to do whatever I want without having to feel accountable to anyone. Whatever happens, I'll keep you posted. Write to me at writerchick_2000@yahoo.com if you have any comments or suggestions on how to keep myself occupied in my new singlehood. Breaking up is a lot of things, but one thing I know (or at least fervently hope) is that it's survivable.
Rachel Kramer Bussel
Copyright 2000 Rachel Kramer Bussel
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