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March 5, 2000
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Better than sex?
A good friend of mine recently had her first facial, as a belated birthday gift, and she told me excitedly that it was so incredible, it was "better than sex." I, also being a facial virgin, pondered that thought. That phrase, BETTER THAN SEX, is a very interesting one, seemingly used to describe extraordinary physical experiences. What interests me is that sex is the barometer, the thing that all these other physical sensations are being compared to. Yet, sex, and our sexual experiences surely, are not all one single thing. I've had plenty of experiences that were better than the worst sex I've had, and lots of things that were fun but don't rate alongside the best sex I've had. All this is not to say that every single time I fool around I'm mentally giving that round of shagging a number, but there are definitely high and low points, and I would think that is true for most people, as it is of most activities.
And I think it's a good thing. Not that we can't strive for the best, most exhilarating sex, but that's just not going to happen every single time. Depending on our mood, our cycles, the weather, all the things that affect our outlook, combined with all those thing affecting our particular partners, invariably there are going to be times when it seems like you might as well not have bothered. But you can't know beforehand, and like anything, it takes bad (or, perhaps "not as good," for as writer Jane DeLynn says, "even bad sex is good") sexual experiences to show us what we don't like. Also, sometimes sex might start out and seem to not be going so well, and then can change into something amazing. I've had times where I was tired or not feeling well or generally not in the mood, but I started having sex anyway and it cheered me up and lifted my spirits.
There are a lot of things that can approximate the high we get from sexuality, because, for me, the best sex is the sex that is both physically and spiritually fulfilling. Some people can get this from an endorphin rush after exercising, or from something like skydiving (which I've also heard described as "better than sex") or accomplishing a goal. I'm not saying these necessarily are "like" sex, but I think that the physical feeling, of soaring, of being off in another world, of having your body take over, is approximated in all of these things.
I think there is also a sense of relaxation, of not having to stress or concentrate. Well, that may not be true for tops, but since I am a confirmed bottom it is true for me. And I think there is a difference between, say, wanting to learn about something to better please your partner, than something where you are totally worried and freaked out (job stuff, for instance) because it's not going well. Even if that is how you're feeling about sex, you can hopefully talk to your partner about it and they can help you figure out what works best together. So, back to my point…the best sex for me is when I almost forget what I am doing, when I'm just so caught up in the action of it that I don't have mental space to think about anything else, including the fact that I am having sex. You are giving yourself up to your own body, and it's that utter surrender that makes a facial or any full bodily experience similar to, and perhaps better than, sex.
And of course, what may be amazing and mind blowing for one person might be mundane and ordinary for the next. There's not really a standardized barometer that we can rate our sexual experiences by, although I think we all know the ones we've enjoyed immensely and would relive at any time, from the ones that we'd much rather forget about. Also our perceptions of which sex was good, better, best, and worst will change over time - at one point we might be craving a certain type of sexual activity and only that will suffice, and other times we might desire something totally different, and what we thought was the greatest thing ever at age 17 might seem totally silly at age 30. Also, the same two people people might get from one encounter two completely opposing reactions - hopefully all people involved enjoy their sexual activity, because I think that it works best when both (or all!) are just as flushed and excited; your energy can then feed off each other.
Maybe I found the phrase so interesting because I myself have never used the phrase "better than sex" in a sentence until writing this column. That could be because it just never occurred to me to use it, or it could be because I've yet to find something that would fit the category. As for sex itself, I think sex can get better and better. Usually, the first time you have sex with someone is not the best time, because you are just getting used to each other's bodies and also probably have been nervous about the events leading up to such a scenario (unless you've managed to calm your nerves with aid of some chemical substances or you're gifted with the blessing of not being nervous). I'm always anticipating sexual experiences that will be different than, if not better than, things that I've done before. I don't mean that I'm disappointed they're not, but overall I think that I would like to expand my horizons and work up the courage to try acts and approaches that I haven't before.
I guess when it comes down to it, I don't really want anything else to be "better than sex," although I wouldn't object to, say, a facial or a massage (I'll skip the skydiving, thanks). I'd rather up the ante of my sexuality and reach for depths and heights of sensual experiences that I haven't experienced yet. Sometimes that scares me, and it seems easier to not try for the wild and crazy, to keep my thoughts to myself and not imagine or engineer things to be different. But if we want something to improve, simply wishing it to happen is not enough (nor is it as fun!).
Rachel Kramer Bussel
Copyright 2000 Rachel Kramer Bussel
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